While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
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My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.