I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
You Might Also Like
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’