A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
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*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
no!! no!!!!!!
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.