glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
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[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt