Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
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it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now