sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
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Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
no regrets
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.