I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
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my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?