ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
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Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Sunday
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”