H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
You Might Also Like
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Them: Just act casual
Me:
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.