Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
You Might Also Like
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.