[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
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What about a To-Don’t List?
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
The absolute effort that went into this omg
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave