Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
You Might Also Like
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
What flavor cupcake are these
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
When you kidnap a writer.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada