I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
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[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?