People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
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17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza