[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
You Might Also Like
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Great game to play with friends
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.