A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
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I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R