Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
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Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”