there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
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House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend