White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
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You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Sniffing the broccoli
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it