Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
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Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
ok this is my dumbest yet
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Möther may I have a snäck