Möther may I have a snäck
You Might Also Like
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Monday
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.