my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
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Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
my one true gender
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”