You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
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It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.