[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
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the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex