I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Mistakes were made
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.