My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
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(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
What about second breakfast?
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
sensitive skin
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin