scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
You Might Also Like
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.