Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
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Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*
*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
time for some seasonal decor
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .