@Reverend_Scott

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

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@ArfMeasures

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

@brennadine

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

@AimeeHelene1

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

@lovejulieacafe

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

@gr8h8m_t3chl3r

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

@mela_shea

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

@samalmightysam

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

@Blanchenmanch

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .