Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
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i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache