I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
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cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.