“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
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the prophecies have been fulfilled
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I need a headline like this
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.