Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
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WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Florida man
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.