Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
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[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
A Short Story.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]