[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
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HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?