6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
You Might Also Like
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Pringles
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Growing out my freckles.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again