It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
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Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.