*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
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Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Feels like the fourth month in January
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!