Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
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Lmfaoooooo
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..