It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
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me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Home #decor warning.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Confused owl: What?!
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.