Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
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I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
pat pat
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH