love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
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So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Brother?
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
“The Perfect Relationship”
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.