I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
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If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles