I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
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Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”