Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
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After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach