Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
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I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator