I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
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I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Sheep
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”