[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
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We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”