I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
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Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*