Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
You Might Also Like
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.