Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
You Might Also Like
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Mornin
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
is this a threat
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!