The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
back to work
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.